Scary Movie 5 - Noodles Review

0.5 out of 10 Noodles

     It sucked. I don't really even want to talk about it. I actually sometimes enjoy watching the first two Scary Movies, but this one is just so bad. It's not even funny! I thought we already got our shit horror parody of the year with A Haunted House like yesterday. Scary Movie 5 is even worse than that. It's written terribly, it's acted terribly, it's jokes are terrible. The movie relies on poop and fart jokes; c'mon, that's too stupid. I only laughed for about 2 minutes, during the Inception part of the film. But even that was just a small smirk-type laugh. That's sad for a movie that's supposed to make people laugh out loud. All in all, I really don't want to talk about this movie anymore. It's stupid, unfunny, and unnecessary. It gets half a Noodle out of 10.

Jurassic Park 3D - Noodles Review

9.5 out of 10 Noodles

       Look up the word "awe" in the dictionary... ya know what you'll find? Jurassic Park. And now in 3D! Usually, I don't really like post-converted 3D in movies, but this one won me over. Ever since I was a little kid, I've always loved Jurassic Park (I think we all did) and I'd always heard that it was one of the best movie theater experiences ever. Unfortunately, I wasn't born when this originally came out so I never got the chance to experience that... until now! And damn, were they right when they said it was an awesome movie theater experience because it sure as hell is. It's so fun, engrossing, and thrilling to watch it on the big screen, with all the sound surrounding you (the sound in Jurassic Park has got to be some of the best sound in a movie ever). Jurassic Park is also one of the most monumental movies of all time. It defined CGI. The CGI and special effects in this movie still holdup today and are even better than most movies today.
       The story of Jurassic Park is that a really rich guy has cloned dinosaurs to make an amusement park full of living dinosaurs (you would do that if you could too). Because they are these live dinosaurs in the park, his investors say that he needs approval from experts, so he recruits Dr. Alan Grant (a paleontologist who is more or less the protagonist of the movie), Dr. Elli Sattler (a paleobotanist), and Dr. Ian Malcom (a mathematician who's character is pretty much the show stealer). Through a number of circumstances, the dinosaurs get loose and all hell breaks loose. Now, we have our movie being one of the most awe-inspiring movies ever; as well as being one of the most suspenseful movies ever. When the characters first enter Jurassic Park, you see the many dinosaurs in the distance and the theme (one of the greatest movie themes of all time) is playing in the background. Your jaw just drops. And the dinosaurs look awesome. Sometimes they're CGI, sometimes they're animatronic. Sometimes they're amazing... oh wait, that's all the time. One of my favourite scenes is when the T-Rex is attacking the car and a flashlight shines in its eye and the eye dilates. That just shows how detailed and alive these dinos are.
        But the dinosaurs don't wreak havoc until about halfway, or even 3/4, through the film. Even yet, the movie does a brilliant job of immersing you into it, bringing you onto this island, and getting you to care for the characters. The dialogue and acting are so good that you feel as though you're there with the characters (it drags sometimes but it's easy to get past that). And when they're in peril, you feel as though you're in danger too. I just can't stress how substantial the suspense in Jurassic Park is. The 3D does add to that, too. The 3D in this movie is probably the best post-converted 3D I've ever seen and it works really well.
       Jurassic Park is really a movie that everyone should experience (notice how I didn't say "watch"). If you get the chance, see it in theaters and have your mind absolutely blown. The movie is full of awe and imagination; it sometimes makes me feel like a little kid again. The characters are likable; their dialogue is believable and sometimes humorous. The dinosaurs are awesome. The suspense is intense as hell. The soundtrack is perfect. It's a classic... it's a 9.5 out of 10 Noodles.

Evil Dead - Noodles Review

8 out of 10 Noodles

       Damn... That was intense. So, this is the remake to Sam Raimi's '80s Evil Dead, which is considered a horror classic and one of the scariest movies of all time. Evil Dead's got a lot to live up to. Thankfully, this is one of the best horror remakes I've ever seen. Now, the story of Evil Dead is simple. A couple of friends go out to a cabin and one of them finds a mysterious book. Upon reading this book, evil is unleashed and these friends are in for hell. Now this movie is sort of a throwback to the '80s horror movies, using makeup and gore. Evil Dead is a seriously disturbingly violent and gory film; it's really not that scary but it is insanely disturbing. Really, the people in this movie are just experiencing the worst things that could ever happen to somebody in a movie. And though it's crazy, it's entertaining and intriguing to see where else it can go.
       Evil Dead is a pretty short movie and it tries to establish its characters early on in the movie quite plainly. And though it's no Pulp Fiction, it doesn't really hinder the likability of the movie at all because we're really just here to watch them all suffer and die. Still, the amount of fear and uneasiness in the characters is, more or less, believable. And when they're scared, they are SCARED. One thing about this movie you really have to praise is how disturbing it is, and I give a lot of credit in this movie to the director. So much was going on and as much as I wanted to look away because of how much it made me cringe, I kept wanting to watch to see how far it could go and what else could possibly go wrong. The movie sort of draws you in like that. It's a short ride but an intense one at that.
      I personally often don't like horror movies, but this movie really got into the mood of enjoying it. It was old school, it didn't overdo any special effects, and it was so disturbingly fun. As a horror film, it was great. As a movie, it was still pretty good. I really enjoy and respect a movie that knows what it is. Evil Dead knew what it was. It wasn't trying to be an Oscar-winner or even a deep movie. Its story was simple, yet interesting; and it was full of gore and gore and gore, of which was done in disturbing and awesome ways. Surprisingly for a horror film, I'm givin' Evil Dead 8 out of 10 Noodles.

Finding Nemo is getting a sequel!

Yup, you read that correctly. Pixar and Disney have finally made the official announcement that a sequel to Finding Nemo is being made. Director Andrew Stanton has stated that it will be called Finding Dory. It will encompass Dory's adventure as we are introduced to her family (which she can't really remember well because of how bad her memory is) and then Marlin and Nemo will probably be looking for her. Finding Nemo is my favourite animated film of all time and hopefully this sequel can be even half as good as the original! Let's keep our fingers crossed...

For more information, click here to check out IGN's article (from which I was informed of this)

G.I. Joe: Retaliation - Noodles Review

5 out of 10 Noodles

        G.I. Joe! That's always exciting, right? Well, not in this movie's predecessor The Rise of Cobra, but this sequel (that should've been a reboot to the crap we saw in 2009) has some to it. G.I. Joe: Retaliation starts with the imposter president ordering for the G.I. Joe unit to be taken out. And now, all that's left are the heroes of this movie (they don't exactly save the movie but they, more or less, save the day). Right off the bat, I can tell you that this movie is a hell of a lot better than its predecessor.

        Retaliation stars the Rock... Yup, pretty much just the Rock. Well there's also the really hot chick and the other guy that nobody cares about, but the movie is for Dwayne Johnson. Additionally, there's Snake Eyes doing his thing and Channing Tatum's character, Duke, who was obviously written in at the last minute to make a little bit more money. Some of these characters are very irrelevant. Snake Eyes is in this movie for the sake of being Snake Eyes, an ass-kicking ninja soldier. That's it. So, his relevance to the story is somewhat forced; I personally thought the movie could've been executed better without him (although he does have some cool action scenes). The third guy of the main squad is highly forgettable (I don't even remember his name) and I feel that Duke should've had that role; but unfortunately Duke was written in at the last minute in scenes that wouldn't alter the present story too much.

        As for the execution of the movie, it's actually really entertaining as just a popcorn flick. The story's not that dense but at some times, it tries to be. In the middle of the movie, it just slows down for no apparent reason. If that had aided in the storytelling, I would've been okay, but that's not the case here! The story of the movie is a little forced at times, and I just wish this movie didn't take itself as seriously as it actually did because it made the movie, itself, seem messy. Then, they throw explosions and bullets at you to make you forget about that. But, I think we all just wanna see this movie for the action and the special effects.

        Really, this movie is good for a G.I. Joe movie. Compared to the first movie, Retaliation is a hell of a lot better, in pretty much every sense. And because this movie is going to be compared so much to the first movie, G.I. Joe: Retaliation will seem a lot better than it actually is. As a movie itself, it's an enjoyable and cartoony popcorn movie where you can just turn your brain off and have some fun watching the action and explosions; but not really worth seeing more than once. It's a one time thing. It's a 5 out of 10 Noodles. 

The Host - Noodles Review

3 out of 10 Noodles 

        Teen romantic dramas have taken over all of our favorite classic monsters. Vampires. Werewolves. Witches. Zombies. Oh no! I hope they don't take aliens next! Oh wait... they just did. The Host is based off of the book by Stephanie Meyer and it's about the aftermath of an alien invasion in which the aliens take over the bodies of humans and use them as "hosts." But the host's mind is still inside the body, fighting with the mind of the alien that's taken over. Pretty cool concept, right? Let's just throw in some middle school bulls**t romance, that'll make it better, right? Wrong... Now, I'm not against romance at all; I'm a sucker for The Time Traveler's Wife and Atonement, but those movies were actually done well and the romance is fitting. Putting a juvenile love triangle in the middle of an alien invasion story can only fit if you do it in an interesting way. Needless to say, this movie was not successful in that endeavor. The love story in this movie is so convoluted (there's actually a love rhombus. Not a triangle, a rhombus) that it's just not interesting. The dialogue, considering the situation that they're actually the aftermath of an alien invasion, isn't believable at all and the teen romance is just so out of place.

       There's not really much else to say about this movie. The premise of it is actually really cool and interesting; there are so many possibilities with it. But, the execution of that wasn't good and then, on top of it all, there's a teen love story going on (of which isn't done well either). It's not worth seeing in theaters but maybe on DVD if you're desperate. 3 out of 10 Noodles.... I honestly feel that's it's worse than the Twilight movies. 

Spring Breakers - Noodles Review

Spring Breakers

6 out of 10 Noodles

        When Disney stars go bad... I guess this happens. Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens star in this movie, which takes them far from their previous roles in Disney and family material. I can tell you that this is not a family movie. Spring Breakers is a modern take on what people in our modern society do these days at the age of these particular girls and then what the consequences can be. It follows the four title girls on a quest to have the best spring break ever. So, they try to rob a store, but they end up getting arrested and bailed out by an arms & drugs dealer, who takes them into a life of partying, drugs, craziness, etc etc. 

       I originally wanted to see this film to see how the Disney princesses (Gomez and Hudgens) could transform themselves into such an adult role. Additionally, I'm always interested in the Harmony Korine's films because they're so different and really stand out, even though only one of his films has actually been good. Spring Breakers, on its roots, is a party movie and I can only enjoy a party movie if its characters and events are written well. That was the problem I had with recent party movies like 21 And Over and Project X; they lacked depth or anything characters for the viewer to get into. Thankfully, Harmony Korine is a good writer, because this movie is pretty interesting and deep. 

     The first half of this movie is pretty much a really big music video because we just see partying and women with little clothes on. It's sort of dragging and nothing is really happening that's good for the movie. All we see is the provocative stuff that all the teens paid to see: girls, boobs, music. But the movie really picks up in the second half when James Franco's character comes in. James Franco is an awesome actor with great range; and he really gets into this role as the arm & drugs dealer that brings the girls into the life of trouble-making and craziness. From then on, the movie is very unpredictable and deep, and I really like that. As far the girls, their performances are good as well (just not as great as James Franco, but he's awesome) as you see their lives fall into crime and drugs and the underground world. There are several scenes where it gets emotional or pretty crazy and it actually kept me invested in the movie.

      Overall, I was very surprised by this movie. It was a completely different tone in the second half and I was really engrossed into that. The writing and directing styles of Korine is unique and sometimes even hypnotic, as well the acting by the main characters being entertaining. Though, the beginning wasn't particularly enjoyable, this movie is still very unique and the second half just sorta draws you in, and for that I'm gonna give Spring Breakers 6 out of 10 Noodles.